before I knew what the other choices were. The smell of your skin intoxicates me and I find myself just wanting to sink into the depths of you. Your tone is calm and assuring and you remind me in hard times that pain is a smokescreen meant to blind us from the truth. That without pain there could be no happiness. Thank you lover for pushing me, for inspiring me and mostly for loving me the way you do. A part of me wants to hide you like a precious gem, I guess it's my weird way of protecting what we have but another part feels it's right to write it all down. My soul is now seamed to yours and our life dreams have become intertwined. At night while smoking our blunt we talk about moving to Hawaii, living in a small house on the beach were we can have enough property for a garden. I had a near death experience I guess you could call it a month ago and before I saw the white light I him open and door then close it and start talking to me. I couldn't make out what he was saying. So I opened the door and two young boys who looked about 7 and 4 ran towards me, I remember noticing the detail on the bunk beds and it was wooden and carved with designs. There was no doubt in my mind that this memory was real. I mean what is time anyways? Does it even exist? I have never doubted this vision for even a second...he will be in my life. I remember after telling him of this experience he said excitedly, "were we on a sailboat?!?!" I told him I couldn't tell.

I asked myself the other day if I was 'truly happy'? Am I living the life I want to live for me and not what others think I should?
I know the notion of living your life through someone else's eyes is quite silly but then you think of your friends, your family or just random acquaintances and  you can't help but feel they have become  passive to the pressures of the world.
Settled in jobs that barely get them by, relationships that lack substance, friends that vanish as soon as you need them and all the while.. living in a place they didn't choose. Yes, many never even leave the place they were born.
The sad reality is this was me a year ago. I felt anxious and trapped which fueled my journey to change my life's direction.

I never felt really like I had anything 'interesting' to talk about or any kind of other perspective other than the rather mundane one I was surviving. It's funny how you can make it through 4 years of college by the time your 19 years old with a 4.0 and still get stuck in a minimum wage job. I had worked SO hard for my independence and here I was at 20 living with my parents in the same crappy town I fought so hard to leave in the first place. I know why I had to leave Portland OR where I was attending college though, it was necessary at the time. I was running from an dangerous abusive ex boyfriend and I had just lost my job because I didn't tolerate my bosses advances and was subsequently fired. With that I moved back in with my parents in Tacoma, WA telling them nothing of what I had endured. For the next 3 years I worked a job I was underpaid for and I dreamed of another life.
Fast forward to now.
I am sitting in my lovers house, peacefully. Outside the sun is shinning like always since moving to  Fort Lauderdale FL . Here I found salvation and hope. My mood had lifted and I became the person I had always wanted to be. With no one who knew me  I felt free to build myself into the person I wanted to be. If you haven't ever left your hometown or maybe your just young..I would definitely recommend it. It has been a huge growing experience for me. I met Shawn here aka my lover/best friend 2 months in. I will tell that story soon!
His dream is is to sail the world with me and our future children. How insane would that be?!?!
The other day I let my fear take over and I warned him not to get too excited because being out on the water 27/4 is not really my thing. I looked him in the eyes and saw his heart sank. I know he loves me without a shadow of a doubt. When I looked deeper I saw a reflection of myself years ago trapped in this life with a yearning to just be free. I knew I would have to overcome my fear for him. See Shawn is a very interesting boy. He was partially raised on sailboat when he was a young child for years, the water is his home. He was provided an opportunity not many children are- to be truly free to experience varying cultures and be with his family without distractions. Maybe one day my gallery will be full of all our travels to exotic countries. We live in a good starter house we rent within a short driving distance to the beach but we WILL be so much more...

I get to meet my love's mother for the first time.


I'm nervous to meet the woman who birthed the most amazing human being in my eyes.
She just HAS to be that amazing too.



Have you ever been nervous to meet your girlfriend/boyfriends parents/parent?

Photos I found on DA that are mysterious, beautiful & inspiring to me.
Amazing job!

DA is my beginning and somehow the other day I managed to log onto this thing again! Its basically 3 years to the day since I first picked up my camera.
Lots of laughs and semi cringes at sloppy experimental editing techniques I thought were genius at the time.
I read through my old journal entries by a younger more naive me. I found myself saying over and over again, "it's gonna be okay, if you only knew what I know now." So much has changed.
I guess beginners could take this as advice & encouragement, but mostly just so I can look back in 3 years and see how far I've come from now in life & in art.
So here it is...

1. Don't worry, you will find the love of your life once you leave everything behind & move all the way across the country.
Washington state ------>South Florida

2. Oh yeah, and those friends you thought you couldn't live without? You wont even know them now.

3. You are unique, by virtue of being you. No one else is like you, so make art that reflects who you are.

4. Also, 3 years down the line...you still wont have a clear direction in which to take your art. Yup, still wingin' it!

5. Don't be hard on yourself, everyone's photography sucks in the first 2 years of learning. Yes, even the "best photographers" now were shitty photographers then.

6. Have a voice, experiment, don't silence your inner voice guiding you on a shoot. "If you want the model to get in a damn tree, say, " could you please hang from that tree"- if they say no, fine. Next time find daring models

7. Art is a subjective personal experience, people will tell you you suck hundreds of times. Get over it, don't even think about letting it sink in.

8. Keep going, your older self will be proud of you.


Anyone else have any advice they've learned over the years of doing photography?

I'm bored and so I take pictures. Its a snap shot, but look at that hat lol!!

:thumb209801874: :thumb209884052:


I'll add more as I make them

Thought I would give an update. I haven't written in my journal in SO long!! I honestly had to take a step back from everything and evaluate my life and my goals. It's been hard, but I've learned so much on self acceptance.
I am determined to have a good life and am trying to take the 'right' steps necessary to do so...
In terms of photography, I as of 2 months ago started working with the models in development a local modeling agency in Seattle: Seattle's Modeling Guild.
They have been very good to me and I have met some amazing models!
I currently doing a little bit of everything actually. I am styling my own shoots now which I really enjoy & doing the makeup.
These are my other creative outlets. Oh! Also, I've been having quite a bit of fun making headpieces.
Check out one of them!



Anyways, how's everyone been doing these past 5 months??

ps. I made a new photo page on FB a month or so back. You can get continuous updates there!!
[link]

xoxo
b

This is a wonderful picture that my friend here on DA did.
I thought it was so great I would make a journal entry so it could get more exposure!

So I thought I would write a reflection on this past year just so I can look back on it and see how I've progressed.
Well in the beginning of January I had lost my job in Portland OR due to my boss being unprofessional with me. I realized, I had to move back in with my parents. So I pack up everything in my appartment and drove home with my puppy on the passengers seat and my cat on my shoulders. I moved back to Tacoma WA and spent most of my time initially being lazy w/friends and just trying to forget about responsibilities. What was I going to do with myself? I had graduated from college in 2009 and now all that "structure" in my life was gone...
I don't really know what the trigger was for me to pick up the camera that first time toward the end of March. I am thankful though, it really has provided me with an outlet and the structure I desperatly need to be productive. I arranged shoots and met some AMAZING people. As the winter came and skys became grey I lost myself again and started to slip. I wasn't really doing anything. I mean, I've always had these distint goals and ideas but just never...started anything you know?
I wanted my own studio and I wanted to move to NYC or LA. I think it was fear and in the winter I was so afaid of myself I guess.
So I met this guy in November who IS everything I've wanted in a man. A month after we were dating he was relocated to Orange County California and we stopped talking. After he left I decided I had to make my dreams come try. I remained focused and kept saving money for my eventual move. I put together my studio in late december and immediately started to contact great models I worked with previously.

CURRENTLY: I am retouching the studio work from the last 3 shoots. ALSO I have saved $1000 toward my move and decided August will be the move out date. Oh yeah, and that guy I mentioned...we're talking again and going to try to make it work. He's flying me down to Orange County to see him mid Feb. I am very excited and will take lots of pictures.
2011 is going to be a good year, I can feel it
ps. Thank you for all the comments, fav's and love

xoxo
b

Hello!!!
I have seriously been meaning to write in my journal for the last few days. I came down with this wicked sickness on top of being extremely busy so it had to be pushed back.
First off, I set up my first studio. LOOK LOOK!!! hehe

Here is my first shot in that studio. I just want to thank all of you that fav'ed and commented on it! AHHH so awesome, it became my most popular picture with 250 and something favorites(now) in like 24 hours. It makes me honestly think of all the times I used to say, "I hope 50 people at least VIEW this image" OR "I hope this can get 8 favorites." I realize art isn't about numbers but really, it does make us feel good..doesn't it?
Here is the image! I am extremely proud of this one..

It's not just that, it was a HUGE accomplishment to finally be able to pay for my small studio. I remember when I would dream of the day...
It's like my dreams are coming true with time. I hope to just improve and inspire &be inspired by you everyday!
I do have a lot of post work to do. I have done 2 shoots in my studio, so look out for all the new work!!
I will really try to post more in my journal for you all. I do have a lot more I have to share but its past 12 and I have to get up early eeekk! I'll write more later.


youuuu

-b

NEW YEARS HAIR!!
I spent like an hour on it so I had to post a cheesy smiley pic
Hope everyone had a good new years eve



xx
b

Here:
[link]

Yes, I also have photos posted on flickr. Become a "contact" with me, I only have 5
Flickr and Deviantart are different and I'm able to show works on there that wouldn't be as appreciated on here as much & viceversa.
They are very different sites and I love them both for various reasons!

xx
b

Hello
Well today I deleted a ton of my older pictures. Like the ones I did in my first month or two of learning photoshop. I just couldn't stand the glaring imperfections and sloppiness.
Other than that, Im so FREAKIN'  tired of this weather. Every time I check the 10 day weather report stats it's ALWAYS raining. ALL 10 days!!! wtf? At least today the 22nd is suppose to be the shortest day of the year. It's all up from here. I just was not prepared for the winter at all!
Changes yes!! I decided Im moving to California this next summer. I have already been saving money and am taking the necessary steps to become a certified Speech Language Pathology Assistant in California. I am already certified here. It's just going to be so much better. Im tired of the grey and the rain. It honestly makes me depressed.
So anyways, If I get a job somewhere down there then I will be moving. I have made up my mind and this is going to happen.
On a side note, I'm very much excited for X mas!!! woo hoo
Anyone have any big plans??

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Hello,
So I've been editing city life pictures. It's rather boring honestly, as I would prefer to photograph people. But hey! we have to work with what we have
This was taken on the docks kind of by where I live.

BEFORE:

AFTER:


What was done:
Color changes/enhancements, birds and clouds were added, dodging, burning, cloning..
xx
b

meh, just experimenting from an older shoot. It's more abstract than anything. Basically, I was playing with coloring. Attempting to give it that glamorous feel.
It doesn't really work with the rest of the series as the colors don't "fit." Ill be thinking about how to make them come together...
ps. I ended up experimenting with the other picture to the series...
I personally despise yellow. It's annoying in my opinion. Still deciding if I like!


How is everyone doing??
Excited for X mas??


xo

Damn. I really haven't been on here in awhile and that really has to do with all the chaos in my life currently.
I guess I always felt like this was my safe place. Everyone has a safe place right?
Where the burdens of real life issues and worries melt away into a childlike dream state. I mean some people have been on this site since they
were 13 years old. YEARS later they still come back.
Im having difficulty coping with what has gone on and in all honestly Im it's hard to process.
Its almost like being in a nightmare. I thought I would share more personal as it's just where Im at.
I just found out the one of my best friends little brother that I've known since I was little is very very sick.(like terminally)
They think he might die and he hasn't even really begun to live. How is this fair?
I find myself growing older and wondering, "there are things that happen in life and they are out of my control. Yet they happen, and then you
have to fuckin' deal and continue breathing." It gets so hard sometimes. I find it hard to cry anymore.
It's funny how when you look around...your surroundings tell you a lot about who you are and what you feel.
Mine is a mess. I just looked to my left and their are waded up jeans T shirt with paper towels from my late night snacks. Just sitting there on my desk.
Weird. To my right- mirrors, random rings, makeup, beer and a bottle opener. Just messy...just a fucking mess. Don't even get me started on my room.
Oh yeah, I should probably mention I met a beautiful boy. Haha When I say that I really mean it to. Fucking beautiful.
On our 2nd date he made this comment that basically brought forth my deepest secret (unintentionally) I got mad and left him there.
He still probably has not clue and just thinks I over reacted over a silly joke.
You know when you just know?
Its like he see's right threw me and then it's like those walls that I've built between men and myself in particular doesn't apply.
I never felt the need to shut him out.
We continued to see each other.
He texts me at work saying he has bad news today and that it's just horrible timing.
His company relocated him to California. Devastated.
He leaves Dec 31st.
He has lived here for 3 years...
Again...you know when you just know?
Im trying to process no seeing his face anymore. I feel like I've known him for years.

How do you just start from scratch?

Again..."you just have to fuckin' deal and keep breathing."


Anyways, just thought I would share.
How has everyone been doing on here?
Feel like I haven't been on here in forever..


xxx
b

Well I felt incredibly inspired tonight. It just happened like that! I started to just take pictures of things I saw in my environment. I feel Im really onto something good. I have two images but it needs maybe 1 or two more images for completion. I don't know...it's like I can't figure it out right now.
Basically they're pictures of my bathroom and room They are taken with the overhead lights. No flash was used. I wanted it to be glamorous yet with a romantic/dark twist. Let me know your thoughts on the two finished images. Again, this is not a finished series yet.
Thats just like me. You wouldn't believe how many projects I start and have difficulty finishing. I need to sleep on these thoughts.<a
First image


second.


ergggg. It's annoying me so much. Theme and everything....

So I've been trying to put this video of me on this blog. Its nothing too great just inviting people to ask questions that I could answer via video. Questions about me and my art.

Would anyone be interested in that?...
If not I'm probably not going to bother figuring this thing out

loves!
xx

ps. I have complied my top 10 favorite pictures of mine...some of which need looooovvveee

:thumb187143503::thumb178055918::thumb184192445:
:thumb177956363::thumb178797324::thumb178203074:
:thumb180887038::thumb185557739::thumb178952063:
:thumb178349856:

I really have been absent from the site. I haven't uploaded any work in an uncomfortable amount of time.
Im sorry..
When I don't create and share I go crazy..that's pretty much where Im at.

I have to be honest and say it's been wayyy harder to focus on art. Actually sitting down and doing the work. I have been off my meds.
I just have to learn to compensate for it.
I have been using a planner and am making list's of things to do.
yes. I know...I've become a list person lol

I have been reading about light equipment. I have to sound knowledgeable if Im ever going to get any big jobs. Oh! my strobe light came in the mail yesterday. Im purchasing the softbox the beginning of Dec. Should have my starter studio going by the end of december.

I've had nightmares for the past 7 days. Just thought I would share. Not sure the cause. Maybe stress?
Have you guys ever had a nightmare streak like that??

Reality's becoming weird now because of it.
Maybe because its always dark and grey. I heard people get weird or never fully wake up if the sun never comes out. I would really like to see the sun again.
Had a bad wind storm and the power went out the night before last. CRAZY.

Anyways..
miss you guys


xx

I had a talk with my dad today that was very enlightening.

See my mom is very left brained...as is my sister.
They're "list" people who know how to get things DONE.
I swear my sister could run a corporation if she wanted to. no, really

Me and my dad are right brained. He is very musically gifted.
He is often up until 2 am in his studio he has in the basement and me upstairs working on pictures. Funny huh?
I often asked him why he never really tried to "make it"
He says he does it just because he likes it. It gives him an outlet of expression.
I asked him, if it bugs he that he works so hard and doesn't get recognition.
He stated it was never really about that.
He does it for the same reason I do....it's like an itch you have to scratch.
It's not a want..it's deeper than that. It's a need.
I have always done art since I could pick up a pencil and I don't see that ever really changing.(I guess now its mostly a camera, but I still sketch sometimes)
Regardless of recognition.
I do appreciate it though...don't get me wrong. I want to give back to.
But if I never got that recognition and become a BIG pro or popular on DA...
I would STILL be doing it.
Im an artist through and through.
Its how I deal &heal.
It has to be let out. I just can't explain it.


Anyways worked on a piece till the wee hours. Finished it and decided not to post it. Decided the yellow was too obnoxious and the lines weren't "right." I felt it was a pretty picture and that was that. However, ever time that happens...I always learn something new.



How was everyones weekend??
xx